Etiam placerat


Dear Help Desk,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Please help!--Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Please keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME and then install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" WAV sound files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3

--Help Desk

Smart Office Boy

Tim the office boy wanted to screw a girl in his office but she belonged to someone else.

One day Tiim got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me screw you but the girl said NO.

Tim said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up".

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened? She said

"THE (#$*%^# USED COINS!!!"

Climb The Ladder for SUCCESS

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb.
Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud. She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing.
He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before. She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb.
On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure. She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now!
He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him.
He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos.
The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."
(Hint:Climb the ladder to SUCk CESS)

You Can't Kill 2 birds with ONESTONE

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone!

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone..." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?

OH, 'Come on'...take a guess!

Think about it ..

(You're going to love this!)

And the moral is

''...You can't kill two birds with ONE STONE. :-)

Childs name = Ur obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions" he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said,

"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named yourdaughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann:

"Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce:

"Your obsession is alcohol.This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers.

"Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Names can Be Confusing At times

Haha…. can u imagine Chinese names can sound very complicating toothers!!

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I’m Sam Wan (someone) and I need to talk to Annie Wan! It is urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone, but what is this urgent matter about?

Caller: @#$… just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan (no one ) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital,then the accident isn’t an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don’t have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! What is your name?

Operator: I am Saw Lee (sorry)!

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!!

The Priest And His Cock

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the
hen house out behind the parish manse.
He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing,
and because the priest had heard that cock fights occurred in the village,
he decided to question his
parishioners about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation,
"Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, No, " he said,
"That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?
"All the women stood up.
"No, No", he said,
"That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock thatdoesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, No", he said,
"That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
All the nuns, and the two priests stood up.